Dear Santa

I DO NOT want a repeat of Christmas Days long gone, I want a good one this year so here’s a list of what I DONT want to make things easier for you…

• Star Wars.
  Yes, I know I am a geek but that doesn’t mean that anything with a space ship on it is good, even if it comes in a Trilogy.
• Books Written Before 2007
  Science Fiction is my favorite, there aren’t as many sci-fi books as all the others so if you buy me a sci-fi book, check the inside cover for when it was first published. If it says any year before 2007 then there’s a fair chance that I’ve read it already. I swear if I get another Asimov book written in 1959 (and read thrice already before I was 16) then I will shove it up your arse!.
• “Novelty” items
  Anything with the word “novelty” in it’s title is not good. That means no novelty Chocolate or novelty Willy Warmer this year - not funny! (still)
• Models
  No cars, planes, boats or helicopters.. UNLESS, they are fully controllable on all axis. A car would need to be speedy and capable of massive jumps, a plane will need extras so it can drop stuff from a height, a boat only if it also flies and a helicopter will need at least 4 channels (that means if it only goes up and down, it’s crap and I wont like it)
• Jumpers
  Yes, even big woolly ones with trees on.
• DVD’s
  Ok, so like, I have broadband and a few programs called BitTorrent and Usenet. This means I have probably seen every movie there is and if I haven’t, it’s because I didn’t want to. Everything I have ever wanted to watch on DVD can either be downloaded as a DVD or in HD. Don’t waste your money, if you must buy me DVD’s then buy me the ones that can be written to. (so I can put more than 1 movie on it)
• PC Games
  For the same reasons above, if it exists then I’ve probably downloaded it, played it, got bored with it and then deleted it.
• Music
  Again, broadband exists.
• Soap
  Oh come on! I do not need expensive soap (or cheap for that matter). I have a particular shower gel and soap that I like, forcing me to wash in your green biodegradable organic pig shit soap is hell.
• Free Stuff
  Anything that you got for free as a bonus item at the checkout does not count as a gift.
• Live Animals
  Unless you are going to kill it and let me eat it.
• Cuddly Toy
  Anything that is fluffy and evokes an “ahhh” from a female will be beheaded and binned.
• Vouchers for shops I don’t go to
  Even a £50 voucher is no good if it is for “Jazmins Custom Bookend Shop”. Seriously.
• My present to you last year
  Any present I receive that I had bought myself and given away already will be placed in your nostril and set light to.

Yours Sincerely,

Andy Bailey
Geek aged 35+

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